Tuesday, 9 October 2007
The video is here!
Obviously, our producer Reg gave us a budget of GAZILLIONS to have like special effects and hot bitches and exploding death stars and stuff going off in the background .. but I like to get involved in the creative process in a 'hands on' sense. I decided it would be more organic and a better experience to edit the video myself. I really did have a huge budget though. Probably more than any of Simon's budgets. Ever. I'm just humble.
Thursday, 4 October 2007
I'm totally happy and relaxed about who I am
You know when you just feel really at ease with yourself, like comfortable in your own skin and not really bitter at all? That's how I feel. Just really comfortable and happy about where I am in life and not even a little bit bitter.
Monday, 1 October 2007
Questions with Art ...
Okay, I'm a hands on guy ... I like to answer emails when I can. I've picked a few out from the literally GAZILLIONS of emails I've had (some of them were from different galaxies, so Satan had to translate).
Dave, Essex: "Is it true that Paul Simon wrote The Sound Of Silence and Simon conceived the song as a way of capturing the emotional trauma felt by many Americans left by the sudden death of a vigorous and visionary leader (John F Kennedy)".
No Dave, that's a pile of horse shit made up by Simon's cronies. It was actually written by me ART GARFUNKEL and was very much wishful thinking at the time. It was conceived as a way of imagining what it would be like without that FUCKING WHINING MIDGET.
HfNSYEtr311, Outer Galaxy 7: "Out here in the perimeter galaxies, word has reached us that you might be just a tad bitter that Paul Simon went on to achieve worldwide fame and popularity, because he was the clever, talented one and that you turned to bricklaying as a way to pay the rent because Paul Simon wrote all the genius gold and you were left penniless ... is this true?"
THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!! IT WAS ME, ART GARFUNKEL, THAT DUMPED PUPPET-BOY!#@! Just because I was unwilling to prostitute myself and take advantage of sensitive issues like apartheid to bolster my obvious lack of talent, does not mean I have no talent of my own. I've always loved bricks, since I was a kid .. it's part of my zen philosophy of 'embracing the simple' (which is EXACTLY what I did when I met Paul!) and staying grounded. I'm totally loaded and could jack the bricklaying in tomorrow if I wanted. And no, I am NOT ... FUCKING ... BITTER!!! I wish people would stop asking me that over and over again. I love Paul like a little puppety brother. I wish him all the success in the world.
Shiraz, Gurbu: "Is it true you are 1/128th West Indian?"
I take it this is a hair reference Shiraz? No you cheeky fucking bitch, I am NOT 1/128th West Indian.
Hank, Arkinsas: "Is Art Garfunkel your real name?"
Of course not. It was a genius masterstroke of PR. My real name is Ken. But let's face it, there's nothing more 'Artsy' than 'Art' (I made that up all by my own) :). Art is short for Arthur by the way. I like to educate my fans as well as provide them with pure rhythmic gold. I don't do three minute penned 'jaunts' like the little 'squirrel of pop' Simon. And I don't need to hang out with famous comedians or 'stand on the shoulders of giants' to succeed. Some unfortunate child-sized adults really DO need to stand on the shoulders of other people ... you know, to see the stage and stuff.
Wrighty, Enfield: "Any chance you could come and fix my wall?"
FUCK YOU!!
(Actually, how much are we talking? .. Mail me).
Send your questions in and I'll answer if I have time from my rediculously busy schedule.
Dave, Essex: "Is it true that Paul Simon wrote The Sound Of Silence and Simon conceived the song as a way of capturing the emotional trauma felt by many Americans left by the sudden death of a vigorous and visionary leader (John F Kennedy)".
No Dave, that's a pile of horse shit made up by Simon's cronies. It was actually written by me ART GARFUNKEL and was very much wishful thinking at the time. It was conceived as a way of imagining what it would be like without that FUCKING WHINING MIDGET.
HfNSYEtr311, Outer Galaxy 7: "Out here in the perimeter galaxies, word has reached us that you might be just a tad bitter that Paul Simon went on to achieve worldwide fame and popularity, because he was the clever, talented one and that you turned to bricklaying as a way to pay the rent because Paul Simon wrote all the genius gold and you were left penniless ... is this true?"
THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!! IT WAS ME, ART GARFUNKEL, THAT DUMPED PUPPET-BOY!#@! Just because I was unwilling to prostitute myself and take advantage of sensitive issues like apartheid to bolster my obvious lack of talent, does not mean I have no talent of my own. I've always loved bricks, since I was a kid .. it's part of my zen philosophy of 'embracing the simple' (which is EXACTLY what I did when I met Paul!) and staying grounded. I'm totally loaded and could jack the bricklaying in tomorrow if I wanted. And no, I am NOT ... FUCKING ... BITTER!!! I wish people would stop asking me that over and over again. I love Paul like a little puppety brother. I wish him all the success in the world.
Shiraz, Gurbu: "Is it true you are 1/128th West Indian?"
I take it this is a hair reference Shiraz? No you cheeky fucking bitch, I am NOT 1/128th West Indian.
Hank, Arkinsas: "Is Art Garfunkel your real name?"
Of course not. It was a genius masterstroke of PR. My real name is Ken. But let's face it, there's nothing more 'Artsy' than 'Art' (I made that up all by my own) :). Art is short for Arthur by the way. I like to educate my fans as well as provide them with pure rhythmic gold. I don't do three minute penned 'jaunts' like the little 'squirrel of pop' Simon. And I don't need to hang out with famous comedians or 'stand on the shoulders of giants' to succeed. Some unfortunate child-sized adults really DO need to stand on the shoulders of other people ... you know, to see the stage and stuff.
Wrighty, Enfield: "Any chance you could come and fix my wall?"
FUCK YOU!!
(Actually, how much are we talking? .. Mail me).
Send your questions in and I'll answer if I have time from my rediculously busy schedule.
Monday, 24 September 2007
Satan and Garfunkel ... the comeback.
In case you haven't noticed, I've ditched that fucking midget Simon and got myself a new steez. Have you ANY idea what it's like touring with a midget?!! And did you know, he's only eight inches tall? No word of a lie .. when we used to do interviews and stage shows, we had to have a complicated system of mirrors and projectors set up to make him look more tall and manly like me ART FUCKING GARFUNKEL. Even then he was only about two foot eight. I used to carry him (yah .. I know, irnoic huh? Because I had to carry him artistically as well .. fucking dead weight. Even though he only weighs about as much as a bag of sugar!) in my pocket.
Have you heard him talk in real life? THAT is why I totally DUMPED his arse way back in the eighties. It's like having one of those teeny tiny flies buzzing around having midget-boy around you ... always whining and making a high pitched drone. You don't know whether to swat him or just shut him in a room. He can't even reach the handles! No lock needed!
Anyway .. he's been replaced. And who better to replace a high-pitched whining midget, than 'the king of barritone' himself ... motherfucking SATAN!!
Many of my fans have asked me if this is a knee-jerk reaction, to having to spend so long alongside a high-pitched whiney girl. Not at all. It's another piece of Garfunkel genius. I am creating my own devastating new genre .... 'Doom Folk'!!!
With Satan by my side, it simply can't fail .. Satan has been singing, well .. FOREVER actually. He totally pisses all over Simon vocally. What you probably didn't know is that *I* wrote 'The Sound Of Silence' anyway. Okay, I wrote the first two lines. OKAY!!! I just wrote the 'Hello' on a piece of paper and Simon the fucking dwarf did the easy part and finished it off. But everyone knows that it was the 'Hello' that sold that tune. The rest was just fill. And by the way, the rumours currently circulating on the internet, that I just wrote 'Hello' on a piece of paper as a doodle while on the phone are TOTAL FABRICATION!!! I spent months crafting that opener. I was practically exhausted after I penned that timeless classic word.
So anyway, Satan and I have got a few clubs lined up and we'll be doing a tour soon. We're keeping it low key and we wont be playing stadiums and shit because we want to maintain our integrity and pick and choose where to perform. I'll still be doing the bricklaying part-time .. just to keep me grounded. I totally don't need money because I have lots of other great musical projects on the back burner. (I'm gonna bring Adam Ant back ... YEAH, NO SHIT).
Anyway .. I won't be using any cheap fucking gimmicks like pulling second rate comedians like CHEVY FUCKING CHASE or USING innocent African children to further my career and relying on 'the sympathy vote'. When we split up .. I mean, when I TOTALLY DUMPED Tom Thumb, I CHOSE to do bricklaying for reasons only known to me, ART GARFUNKEL. There WAS plenty of options for me in the music world and I COULD have done lots of other music stuff. I honestly don't need the money. So I'll be doing my bricklaying as I have done since we split. Laying bricks is good for the soul.
You probably have forgotten who I'm talking about when I say 'Simon' because he was pretty much anonymous when we were together, in my genius-like shadow. Well ... if you think back, there was this little puppet sized d00d who I carried for twenty years because he's basically talentless unless it involves exploiting Africans. Here are some pictures (below) because you've all forgotten him.
I know some of you have shown concern that since I've been with Satan .. you've seen a different, darker side and that he's somehow having an effect on me. I just want to assure you that I have nothing but respect for Paul and I do really wish him all the best. I'm totally not bitter at all ... honestly, I love bricklaying.
Love you ... always yours, Art.
Have you heard him talk in real life? THAT is why I totally DUMPED his arse way back in the eighties. It's like having one of those teeny tiny flies buzzing around having midget-boy around you ... always whining and making a high pitched drone. You don't know whether to swat him or just shut him in a room. He can't even reach the handles! No lock needed!
Anyway .. he's been replaced. And who better to replace a high-pitched whining midget, than 'the king of barritone' himself ... motherfucking SATAN!!
Many of my fans have asked me if this is a knee-jerk reaction, to having to spend so long alongside a high-pitched whiney girl. Not at all. It's another piece of Garfunkel genius. I am creating my own devastating new genre .... 'Doom Folk'!!!
With Satan by my side, it simply can't fail .. Satan has been singing, well .. FOREVER actually. He totally pisses all over Simon vocally. What you probably didn't know is that *I* wrote 'The Sound Of Silence' anyway. Okay, I wrote the first two lines. OKAY!!! I just wrote the 'Hello' on a piece of paper and Simon the fucking dwarf did the easy part and finished it off. But everyone knows that it was the 'Hello' that sold that tune. The rest was just fill. And by the way, the rumours currently circulating on the internet, that I just wrote 'Hello' on a piece of paper as a doodle while on the phone are TOTAL FABRICATION!!! I spent months crafting that opener. I was practically exhausted after I penned that timeless classic word.
So anyway, Satan and I have got a few clubs lined up and we'll be doing a tour soon. We're keeping it low key and we wont be playing stadiums and shit because we want to maintain our integrity and pick and choose where to perform. I'll still be doing the bricklaying part-time .. just to keep me grounded. I totally don't need money because I have lots of other great musical projects on the back burner. (I'm gonna bring Adam Ant back ... YEAH, NO SHIT).
Anyway .. I won't be using any cheap fucking gimmicks like pulling second rate comedians like CHEVY FUCKING CHASE or USING innocent African children to further my career and relying on 'the sympathy vote'. When we split up .. I mean, when I TOTALLY DUMPED Tom Thumb, I CHOSE to do bricklaying for reasons only known to me, ART GARFUNKEL. There WAS plenty of options for me in the music world and I COULD have done lots of other music stuff. I honestly don't need the money. So I'll be doing my bricklaying as I have done since we split. Laying bricks is good for the soul.
You probably have forgotten who I'm talking about when I say 'Simon' because he was pretty much anonymous when we were together, in my genius-like shadow. Well ... if you think back, there was this little puppet sized d00d who I carried for twenty years because he's basically talentless unless it involves exploiting Africans. Here are some pictures (below) because you've all forgotten him.
I know some of you have shown concern that since I've been with Satan .. you've seen a different, darker side and that he's somehow having an effect on me. I just want to assure you that I have nothing but respect for Paul and I do really wish him all the best. I'm totally not bitter at all ... honestly, I love bricklaying.
Love you ... always yours, Art.
Monday, 17 September 2007
Sunday, 9 September 2007
What happened to real music?!
This is EXACTLY the kind of fucking garbage that is killing QUALITY music. I didn't notice who it was by, I was just randomly browsing on YouTube whilst writing REAL music. What a fucking JOKE.
Monday, 27 August 2007
Now it becomes clear ...
... why 'stumpy' is doing so well!!!@#!
I just found THIS on YouTube!!!
It turns out that Simon's entire family are actors!!! He had an 'in'!! He kept that quiet!!
I'm not bitter or anything .. I just don't think it's fair. I mean, they've got all the juicy parts in this one, the guy with six arms, the guy with the little head, the driller guy (that's Paul's twin brother) - no wonder there are actors having to be waiter's and shit in Los Hollywood - the Simon dynasty have got that shit totally SEWN UP!!
I just found THIS on YouTube!!!
It turns out that Simon's entire family are actors!!! He had an 'in'!! He kept that quiet!!
I'm not bitter or anything .. I just don't think it's fair. I mean, they've got all the juicy parts in this one, the guy with six arms, the guy with the little head, the driller guy (that's Paul's twin brother) - no wonder there are actors having to be waiter's and shit in Los Hollywood - the Simon dynasty have got that shit totally SEWN UP!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
