Satan and Garfunkel ... the comeback.

In case you haven't noticed, I've ditched that fucking midget Simon and got myself a new steez. Have you ANY idea what it's like touring with a midget?!! And did you know, he's only eight inches tall? No word of a lie .. when we used to do interviews and stage shows, we had to have a complicated system of mirrors and projectors set up to make him look more tall and manly like me ART FUCKING GARFUNKEL. Even then he was only about two foot eight. I used to carry him (yah .. I know, irnoic huh? Because I had to carry him artistically as well .. fucking dead weight. Even though he only weighs about as much as a bag of sugar!) in my pocket.

Have you heard him talk in real life? THAT is why I totally DUMPED his arse way back in the eighties. It's like having one of those teeny tiny flies buzzing around having midget-boy around you ... always whining and making a high pitched drone. You don't know whether to swat him or just shut him in a room. He can't even reach the handles! No lock needed!

Anyway .. he's been replaced. And who better to replace a high-pitched whining midget, than 'the king of barritone' himself ... motherfucking SATAN!!

Many of my fans have asked me if this is a knee-jerk reaction, to having to spend so long alongside a high-pitched whiney girl. Not at all. It's another piece of Garfunkel genius. I am creating my own devastating new genre .... 'Doom Folk'!!!

With Satan by my side, it simply can't fail .. Satan has been singing, well .. FOREVER actually. He totally pisses all over Simon vocally. What you probably didn't know is that *I* wrote 'The Sound Of Silence' anyway. Okay, I wrote the first two lines. OKAY!!! I just wrote the 'Hello' on a piece of paper and Simon the fucking dwarf did the easy part and finished it off. But everyone knows that it was the 'Hello' that sold that tune. The rest was just fill. And by the way, the rumours currently circulating on the internet, that I just wrote 'Hello' on a piece of paper as a doodle while on the phone are TOTAL FABRICATION!!! I spent months crafting that opener. I was practically exhausted after I penned that timeless classic word.

So anyway, Satan and I have got a few clubs lined up and we'll be doing a tour soon. We're keeping it low key and we wont be playing stadiums and shit because we want to maintain our integrity and pick and choose where to perform. I'll still be doing the bricklaying part-time .. just to keep me grounded. I totally don't need money because I have lots of other great musical projects on the back burner. (I'm gonna bring Adam Ant back ... YEAH, NO SHIT).

Anyway .. I won't be using any cheap fucking gimmicks like pulling second rate comedians like CHEVY FUCKING CHASE or USING innocent African children to further my career and relying on 'the sympathy vote'. When we split up .. I mean, when I TOTALLY DUMPED Tom Thumb, I CHOSE to do bricklaying for reasons only known to me, ART GARFUNKEL. There WAS plenty of options for me in the music world and I COULD have done lots of other music stuff. I honestly don't need the money. So I'll be doing my bricklaying as I have done since we split. Laying bricks is good for the soul.

You probably have forgotten who I'm talking about when I say 'Simon' because he was pretty much anonymous when we were together, in my genius-like shadow. Well ... if you think back, there was this little puppet sized d00d who I carried for twenty years because he's basically talentless unless it involves exploiting Africans. Here are some pictures (below) because you've all forgotten him.

I know some of you have shown concern that since I've been with Satan .. you've seen a different, darker side and that he's somehow having an effect on me. I just want to assure you that I have nothing but respect for Paul and I do really wish him all the best. I'm totally not bitter at all ... honestly, I love bricklaying.

Love you ... always yours, Art.